Friday, 14 December 2012

Nanowrimo bit of the day.

Its been a slow climb since the sand stopped running out and due to apathy and work progress has been slow but I feel I've hit another gear and I'm looking to get near a finish point before Christmas day.

Here is today's offering for you. I figured you may miss these daft unedited updates.

It wasn't tension but excitement. It wasn't fear it was anticipation. It wasn't negative, no, it was a positive edge that filled each and every one of them and I realised in that moment that something was very wrong in the Sinner’s camp.

hadn't detected any mood amongst them at all when I was with them. They were just standing and waiting, like Christians waiting for the gate to open and for the Lions to come.

That's it for today. Ta for reading.

Monday, 3 December 2012

Music Monday: Albums of Awesomness

That's right folks, its Music Monday again and instead of a single track list I'm coming at you with five albums that I think are amazing and if you love them even half as much as I do then we are in for a music love in!

Lets get started shall we?!


ERIC CLAPTON/UNPLUGGED by Eric Clapton

Yes, this is the MTV unplugged session and yes I could have delivered you the classic Nirvana one but no! This is something that needs to come out, stand on its own and say 'I AM AWESOME! HEAR ME...being bewitchingly acoustic.'

You get fourteen tracks and they run through Clapton's brightest and best but this is not a 'best of', nope, its more of an invite into a dimension of relaxing cool notes that sooth, smooth and remove all the stresses from your day. At points it can be depressing, heartbreaking, numbing and touching but as with that there is always a sense of infinite cool that flows through the whole album and performance.

I could hit you with some 'Tears In Heaven' or 'Layla' but instead I want to put a song on here that takes me to a different place; one I love to sit in.

As I write and carve ideas out of my head I have to hope that what I'm doing is good enough. You could say I'm powered by Tea, or even sugar (you'd be right), but actually...I'm Running On Faith.








CYPBERPUNK by Billy Idol

Its 1993 and I'm facing a Billy Idol album with a mixture of fear and interest, realistically I couldn't have been prepared for what I was about to be hit by. It's synth, rock, industrial, mesmeric madness!

Idol still hammered it with tracks like 'Shock To The System' but it was in the flow of the album that the true feat was achieved. It starts love and melodic, pumps it up, drops it down, twists around with short tracks and grips you with longer onslaughts like Adam In Chains and Heroin.

I bought the album again for the first time in over a decade as my last one was in fact my flatmates and the bastard (fucking diamond gezzer actually) took it with him when he moved out. The copy I bought after he'd gone went missing (as all the best albums do).

This arrived on my mat, I opened it and yes, I was blown away all over again. It probably isn't to everyone's tastes but it damn well is to mine!







AS IF TO NOTHING by Craig Armstrong

I was walking through M.V.C (LOL that was a long time ago) when I heard something playing above me. I thought; 'Wow, what the hell is this?' I walked right around to the desk, saw the c.d on display and bought it. I took it home, I played it, I played it again, and again, and again. I played that bastard till my player bled.

Fifteen tracks that go through mellow, haunting and beautiful and never lose their power. It's the kind of album I can bang on and my brain can switch off and by the end I've got the seed of an idea forming, the music has allowed me to slink off somewhere and just chill.

That chilled out zone can be so hard to find and if I can get some music to find it then I love it and always will. This boasts featured vocal tracks and stuff by Bono, King Crimson and Mogwai amongst others but here I give you something instrumental and amazing.

Ruthless Gravity




THE BEST OF JOHN DENVER by John Denver (shock horror)

Yes, we are going here! I defy anyone to sit with The Denver and not feel good! He was a true talent taken way to early and this here is twenty tracks of classic D!

What's my favourite? No, can't tell you. THERE ARE TOO MANY!!! This is a country King in a best of that really lives up to the name! Am I going to hit you with 'Leaving on a jet plane,' or 'Country Roads,' perhaps 'Wild Montana Skies,' or 'Annie's Song' or even 'Sunshine on my shoulders'?

Nope.

I just thank god he was a country boy...





Finally we come to a soundtrack because you know I love soundtracks from films. This week its from a film I love and the soundtrack is beguiling in its passive, cool vibe.

Seven wasn't a friendly film.

Try the album though and you get a subtle, soft, almost friendly/cool sound that has the likes of Charlie Parker at one end and Gravity Kills at the other. Somewhere in between them we find a legend at his very best, delivering a moody, soulful masterpiece.

The last two tracks on the album are instrumental score that do chill and intimidate with the threatening sense of impending doom that so characterises the film itself, brilliantly brought to us by Pitt, Freeman, Paltrow and of course Spacey, directed by one of my favourite directors of all time; David Fincher.

Ignore all that above though, sit back and let this track sweep you away.

Marvin Gaye is in the house and he has this for you...

  


That's it for this week, hope you enjoyed the tracks and maybe think about checking out the albums. If you have any suggestions for next week then hit me up here and I'll see what I can do.

Thanks for reading and listening.

Friday, 30 November 2012

Nanowrimo Day Thirty

This is it. Final day. Final random paragraph of the day. I have far more to do but I'll keep some of it to myself for now. Let you know when it's finished and all that.

Here's ya paragraph then...


I wasn’t there for the selection process but Williams, Snitsky and Panto all attended the meeting. The two teams met officially for the first time and from what Snitsky said there wasn’t much aggression or tension in the air. The only words that could have indicated to the coming war between the two teams were exchanged between Ben Haim and Dupon. It was water under the bridge but Dempsey was always going to come up when it came to this match and when he did Dupon told Ben Haim he should have stopped Dempsey from playing.

The conversation was over before it began really. Ben Haim just accepted blame and then asked why Dupon hadn’t even been down to the pit to see Dempsey before the match. No answer. It was a storm in a teacup but it was there.


I'll be blogging more normally from now on again I hope. Laying down the law according to Edd, moaning about things I can't do anything about and howling into the wind to see if any other wolves are out there to howl back. 

Thanks for following me on this journey, popping in and seeing what I've been doing and not inundating me with comments about how bad I am at all this. Heh.

You never know, give me two months and you may even get to read it all rather than just the disjointed rantings of my digit, though you'll probably have to pay by then.

Thanks and live long and prosper.

Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Nanowrimo Day Twenty Seven

Too tired to do more than a thousand words today after work. So exhausted!

Here's a rough selection for you.



There are rumours that I was seen drinking with Draven later that night and that he punched me because I told him he could and that massive upshot in his popularity with the indie music scene was all due to something we fabricated. I like the idea of us spreading premeditated anarchy in Phelps’s little world just for hoots and that we knew we’d see some return but couldn't know how much. It’s a nice idea.

Of course there are many that claim that Clem and I stitched the whole thing up to increase both our ratings. This idea has merit, but I couldn't tell you it’s true. No, as much as I’d love to piss all over the idea that Clem and I are best buddies it makes sense that we both gained something from the encounter in terms of rating figures and press stories and that in turn helped our respective networks.

Saying that I think Clem Phelps is a dickhead and I quite like G. Draven’s sound.


That's it for today folks. Thanks for reading.

Monday, 26 November 2012

Music Monday: Working at it.

This week its five songs that I'll connect to jobs I've done in the past. It will be short as I'm tired but I hate missing this here thing so lets go shall we?


BLUE HOTEL by Chris Issak (Hotel nightmare)

I did more than a few months as a night porter for very little money and no respect. I hated it, though I love this song and the album is amazing so I'll try and garner some positive thoughts for that job by connecting it to a positive emotion.







MONEY FOR NOTHING by Dire Straits (Comet Hell)

I followed the advise of a friend and followed him into a job at Comet. It was a large store, there were lots of customers and I was the new guy on the Toaster Aisle. I hated trying to sell people bloody insurance for a toaster when all they wanted was to be left alone.

It sucked,I sucked, I lasted two weeks. Not for me.





CHAIN GANG by Sam Cooke (Building bump and grind)

Working on a building site can be very hard physically. It can be a real pain when you're at the bottom of the ladder and there really isn't a way up unless you kiss a whole lot of arse or you can drive. I don't do either.

For all the aches, pains, frumps, shite days, pulled muscles and cut fingers I can say there are worse ways to earn ya pounds, just don't expect to earn many of them. Saying that I do enjoy hammering into a job, having to dig deep to complete the task and prove that for a little guy I can hang with the rest.






SIT DOWN by James (Cinema attendant)

I did three years as a cinema attendant and it wasn't shite, low paid but not shite. You probably have noticed that I haven't done anything massively skilled or well paid. That's ok, I don't mind, I just hope the next job pays better than all the rest.

The song? Seating people was one of those things we used to do and no, no-one ever wanted to sit next to someone they didn't know.





Finally we look to the future, what am I planning to do next eh? I wonder...what will the next song be? Hum...ok, I think you may have guessed it.





That's it for this week.

Thanks for popping in.

Nanowrimo Day Twenty Six

Yep, its been a stupidly long day on a building site but I vowed to crack some words out and that is what I did. They're probably all shite...even so they do count.

Yes they do! Stop arguing.



See I only do interviews very rarely and when I do you had better know two things; I won’t take people laughing at The Game and I won’t take people laughing about the crazies. Sadly that’s all these asshole’s ever want to talk about! I hoped this would be different and that Phelps had done his homework but just as I started to walk out Phelps broke into my full introduction.

‘Ladies, gentlemen, raise your weapons please...I mean your voices...FOR THE VOICE!’

I walked on and Williams still claims the first thing he did was bet Snitsky that the first thing I did was punch Phelps. He lost that bet as I walked up, offered Phelps my hand and then as he went to shake it I pulled it up and stroked my hair. Phelps laughed but I saw a look in his eye. I’d made him feel stupid and he didn't like it.

I suppose I'm going to get to the end of this month and you're all going to look round and go;

A/ I'm so glad he's stopped and 
B/ He really is awful at this writing thing.

I hope not but I wouldn't blame you on either account.

More tomorrow for you glutton's for punishment.

Sunday, 25 November 2012

Nanowrimo Day Twenty Five

A day of very little action on the keyboard but I did get a few words down.



I learned a long time ago that they didn't give a fuck about me or the Game or even the Players that died for their entertainment, nope, they cared about circulation figures and how much they could charge for their advertising space. It was fair to say that I didn't judge them on how shallow they were, my hypocrisy only goes so far, but instead I despised them because they fuelled the extreme opposition to The Game’s attacks on me and my family. They claimed that I was completely unafraid of them, that I didn't believe that anyone would breach security around the people that I loved and that I thought they were pathetic. Of course they were right on some of these points but that didn't help me, not when the crazies scared the shit out me and I knew that if someone was determined enough they can get to anyone.

More tomorrow I hope.

Silent Sunday 2 : The outlaw Josie Lawrence


Silent Sunday Part 1


Friday, 23 November 2012

Nanowrimo Day Twenty Three

Fresh from the writing pit and still in need of much work but the deal is it comes here as a raw animal and I get to polish later...So here's some more.



She smiled and stepped up quickly and gave me a hug and I waited for that warm feeling to hit my chest but it didn't come. I hugged her back and we held each other but that explosion of emotion I was preparing for? It didn't come. I let go of her and said I was sorry for missing all those years and she told me it didn't matter and still it didn't come.

I’d love to tell you that it didn't bother me that we had missed so much time and that there was distance between us, but it did, that wasn't the problem though. I talked to her and we switched quickly to Game chat and found that she was a genuine fan of mine and that I was incredibly impressed with her skill and we got on like a house on fire but that was the problem in itself. That was our only connection.

It took me years to work out why that meeting was so devoid of tears and emotion about our shared past and I can now sadly accept that I had shunted her instantly into the status of ‘Player’ and that meant I had already put up all the barriers to make sure I could function in my job without being bias. She treated me like a legend of the game and talked about listening to me for all those great matches and it was clear she saw me as The Voice, not her father.

What drew us together and became the glue for our future relationship was also the thing that always kept us apart. 


More tomorrow..

Nanowrimo Day twenty Two (yesterday)

I broke the fifty k mark yesterday and chilled afterwards. It was a four thousand eight hundred kind of day and went remarkably well considering I felt the pressure to go through the tape by the close of play.

I covered several tough subjects and it flowed really well though I have to say there is a certain fear that comes from finishing a long session, knowing I was typing fast means there are a lot of typos and some of the sentences, paragraphs and even whole passages will need to sorted out more than when it comes slowly.

In the end the result is I've passed the test in terms of time and output, now I have to continue, reapply myself and get towards the end before looking back and fighting the real bastard that dogs me; quality and competency.

A regular question that I'm told haunts everyone is the real belief that writers believe their work isn't very good or 'not good enough'. Its a question of faith in themselves and their work and its something I feel the heat on badly when editing. I hope that this time round I find more to smile about than I have done when I've completed work before. In the end this is for release and I'm not backing down this time; it's no retreat, no surrender time.

If an agent or publisher doesn't want it then I'm backing myself and releasing anyway.

Here's a little bit of what I did yesterday.



It was after Dempsey died that things got really serious for me, the radical Game haters shot at me twice that year and missed both times, sent in a 'stabber' who did a pretty good job and another one that I took with my pistol before he could get his steel in me.

They broke into my house, bombed my car and believe it or not even killed my dog. I was just too good at sidestepping their attacks and I wish I’d been worse at it because as soon as they worked out I was an expert at ducking bullets they decided to go after people who were less effective at defending themselves.


More later today I hope.

Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Nanowrimo Day Twenty One

Here's some more straight from the fingers.



Rik and I busted our asses to make sure the world understood what had happened here as we began to understand it ourselves. The Sinner’s had come here not to entertain but to make a serious point; a battle can be won with lethal force in seconds but that is not what the game is about! I was hot to get the message across to the fans and the ghouls and anyone else that was listening.


I may do some more later if I'm lucky. It was a three grand day today so far. I'm pretty happy with that as it's brought me to the forty five thousand mark. 

All proceeding as planned Captain Neidar.

Tuesday, 20 November 2012

Nanowrimo Day 20

Its day twenty and it was, if I'm honest, not that successful. It's not that I got stuck or that I didn't have anything to write, it just came a bit slowly and I was easy to distract. I think I do better starting in the morning, working into the afternoon instead of starting after lunch. I'd love to think that's a lesson I'll take over to the next book :-)

So we have today's offering and I hope it isn't awful, I really don't know. I know everything I've posted up here needs work, hell, everything I do needs work right? Yep!



This thing was unplanned, unfortunate and unpleasant but it was also unbelievably successful. We named it ‘The Line In The Sand’ but it would come to be known as ‘The Reaping’ after the match and the press conference. Actually, about ten years later I was watching a quiz show and one of the questions was ‘The Game: What was the official name of the match that took place in 2052 between Santoro’s Sinner’s and The Colombian Circus.’ Some dude buzzed in and answered ‘The Reaping’ and the quiz hosted offered it across to the other team and I shouted at my T.V and complained bitterly about stupid fucking researchers!

When the other team answered ‘The Line In The Sand’ I stopped and realised my mistake. It’s weird but it does show you how much influence the media has over branding and your memories. The really funny thing is I was the one that gave it both its names.

Dickhead.


That's it for the day. See you tomorrow (if you're a glutton for punishment).

Monday, 19 November 2012

Music Monday : Animated Magic

This week I reached out into the universe and asked for suggestions (yes I do this every week and yes I get asked to do 'the sex one' and no, no I'm not doing the sex one) and I was given an animated mandate by @xWeen82x who just happens to be the fiance of one of my longest friends.

So this ones for all the crowd!



DARE By Stan Bush

Transformers came out when I was a nipper, I went to see it at the cinema in Romford and I can tell you it blew my tiny wee mind. How could they kill all the main characters in the first twenty minutes?! How could they make me like all the new crowd crowd so quickly?! How could they make my poor little frame take that much excitement?!

How?!

I can still watch this film with my kids. We all love it and one of the things I loved most was the massive eighties rock soundtrack! You think I'm here to hit you with 'You Got The Touch!'

Nope. This was specifically requested! Stan Bush...animated rock legend!






FRIEND LIKE ME by Robin Williams (he sings it man)

Well we have to go here! I love Aladdin, loved the whole film and god damn it I loved Gilbert Gottfried as Iago! Just the best Disney sidekick ever!

I won't go on, just dive in!





WALKING IN THE AIR by Declan Galbraith

Yep, we have all seen it and we've all enjoyed it I'm sure (I suppose if you don't like Christmas then you probably hate it) and here it is. This is a slightly different version but I thought it was worth a go.





IF WE HOLD ON TOGETHER by Diana Ross

I can't listen to this without getting all misty. Is it the ridiculous, childish, stupid connection I make between this and those little baby dinosaurs?! YES! I can't even take someone humming the damn thing without have a trembling lip.

Pathetic.

Here it is.





Obviously the last one I always try and have a bit of fun with, but seeing as this whole week has been a bit of fun I think I'll leave you with the one that got away!

YES! ITS STAN BUSH! HE'S BACK! I saw this video as a nipper on The wide awake club and I nearly pissed myself! OH MY GOD! THERE'S A TRANSFORMERS MOVIE (said my internal nutjob who then totally lost his shit and decided this was THE GREATEST SONG EVVVVVERRRR!)

Stan Bush...You got the touch!





If you come back next week we'll have something new and maybe something you haven't heard will be on here.

If Stan Bush becomes the driving force in your life for the next day or so then don't feel bad. I happens to the best of us...

Thanks for reading/listening.

Nanowrimo Day 19

Its day nineteen, there's no sign of fatigue, no sign of a finish line yet, no sign of running out of material and ideas and no sign of any sanity either. Its all going well but I know going back to the start is going to be a bummer as the editing process is going to be really long and really tough.

Word count is now at 40,070.



I looked across and Rik was having a bit of a moment; tears were clear on his cheeks and he looked pale and shocked. This was probably the time to reach out and hug him and fight through this tidal wave of emotion together, but seriously, that wasn't my way, never has been, never will be.

I slipped a hand over the gap between us and slapped the taste out of Rik’s mouth. He stood up and thrust his chest forward, fight filling his arms, adrenaline pumping into his system, making him bigger, stronger, more resilient, full of energy and a need to direct it.

‘That’s it Rik! That’s what we need!’ I said to him as we stood nose to nose.


More tomorrow folks.

Saturday, 17 November 2012

Nanowrimo Day Sixteen (but a day late)

A day late but I promise I did it yesterday...



That year say a new team come to the league calling themselves ‘The Columbian Circus.’ These guys were well trained, South American players who were very fast, I mean damn they could move! I think most people were blown away by the sorts of weapons they chose, the kind of fights they got into, the kind of mad shit they pulled, from leaping off the roofs of small buildings onto the enemy below to charging their opponents down stairs knowing they’d both get creamed but assuming they’d come off better! You never knew what they were going to do and because they made sure they had double the amount of players everyone else did they had plenty of reserve players for the later stages of the season. 

More tonight I hope.
Thanks for reading.

Thursday, 15 November 2012

Nanowrimo day fourteen

Wasn't that good a day in terms of general quality, just from scanning through pages I can see there is a lot of work to do on the 3,000 plus words I did but the structure is sound and the points I wanted to make and touch on are included so I shrug and accept that editing is going to be long and drawn out.

Anyway, here comes YESTERDAYS paragraph and I'll post another one up later.



The thing about Chant was that even those that didn't enjoy the graphic violence that was an inherent part of the game could still watch and be blown away by his skill and grace. When Chant went on a run you stopped whatever it was you were doing and you watched a human pinball spin through the battlefield. He was always moving, always changing direction and was always one pace away from cover. The amount of people that have emptied their weapons at him from distance and hit nothing is just ridiculous. Touched by Mercury there is no run he cannot complete.


There you go, hope I haven't made your eyes bleed and thank you for reading.

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

Nanowrimo Day Twelve

You know it makes sense to just read the passage bellow right?! Good skills!



‘Did you go crazy baiting?! Seriously?! After last night?! Jesus Voice that guy could have cut your head off or blown your brains out!’ Vic was pissed at me, really, really pissed!  I could see he was looking at Williams for some support but when Williams laughed and slapped his thigh Vic shock his fist at us, almost comically. ‘I cannot believe you! Rich you should be firing his ass for this and as for you?’ Vic took a threatening pace towards me and then flung his hands around as he stormed out of the door like an irate two year old. 


More tomorrow we hope.

Monday, 12 November 2012

Nanowrimo Day twelve

Day twelve, a day of disruption, confusion and distraction. I got some broken time and I think I used it well. Here's an exert from the day.



It seemed an eternity before hands came to help and the cops got hold of the guy. I staggered backwards and he threw out a kick that impacted right in my ball sack, I would have collapsed but I wasn't sure he was restrained yet. As four, then finally five cops dragged him to the ground I felt safe enough to slump. I held my weight against the wall as the same blog-Journo from earlier grabbed me and rammed his camera in my face and over my chest and back, looking for close ups of my wounds! He was shouting at me, ‘LAST WORDS VOICE! GIVE ME YA LAST WORDS VOICE!’

That's all you get from me tonight I'm afraid. More tomorrow I hope.

Music Monday : The hero Edition

Right, this week its something easy because my brain is snowed under with writing and ideas and characters and stuff, so its a hero edition! Five songs from five different hero films from recent till far distant and hopefully we can get a few in that are slightly different...Lets see.

How to start? What does everyone want to be?


PARTYMAN By Prince

This is from the Keaton and Burton Batman and its one I saw in the cinema. Yep. I did that. I still think it holds up tough I am a big fan of Michael Keaton and Jack Nicholson so perhaps its a weak spot?! I don't know but its a cool movie and it is a cool song.

Prince rocks.






HERO By Chad Kruegar and some other dudes.

This was the main song from Spiderman and though I do normally turn my nose up at Chad and 'Nicklecrack' I think this is a real superhero must. Its a great song for that genre and one I love.

Sorry to inflict Chad on you, but its a worthy cause.






BRING ME TO LIFE By Evanesence

A big hit and a great song, also happens to be from Daredevil, yes the Affleck one! Come on?! Okay, it wasn't great but I didn't think it was THAT bad. Ben is obviously a bit miscast but he does love the source material so I forgive him and suggest next time to step back and think rationally if he is the right choice.

However not brilliant the film may or may not be the album the song comes from is fabulous and the film used several of the songs. I picked this one because it fits the night.






THE TIMES THEY ARE A CHANGING By Bob Dylan

Watchmen was a brilliant film that was made by people that obviously love the source material. The intro was a masterpiece of storytelling and the credit scene breathtaking. I loved every damn second of it and Zack Snyder did an amazing job (Though I fear Superman won't go the same way).

No intro's needed really. Its a bloody classic.





We could only finish with this one! I need write nothing about this hero, you all know him so well!





If you have any suggestions as to other hero songs drop ya comment on and I'll have a look at running it another week.

Hope you enjoyed the selection and I look forward to hitting you with more tunes next week.

Cheers and thanks for reading.

Sunday, 11 November 2012

Silent Sunday


Nanowrimo Day Eleven

I didn't get much time today but what I had to do was heavy. Tonight I said goodbye to one of the characters and though it wasn't a shock it was certainly something I wasn't really looking forward to.
So instead of a single paragraph I'll give you an unedited section tonight.

Something I'll have to clean over and over again later but feels right enough to walk away from till the end.




I shot a look sideways and know my energy needed to go somewhere, it had too, so I span, grabbed my cup and threw it as hard as I could at the far wall of the production booth; it exploded and as it did my chair followed it, clattering into the foot of the wall because it was a whole heap fucking heavier than the cup. Williams watched without moving as I followed that up with my phone, e-pad and even one of my shoes that I ripped off!

I swore, I cussed, I screamed the booth down in rage! This was my haven! This was where I didn't fuck up and yet I’d completely, totally and utterly fucked up! I was in a state of total panic and rage and Williams watched it all for five minutes. I shouted and stamped! I kicked the walls and I beat my fists against them until I left skin and bloody smears over them; till I was smothered in the sweat of the indefensibly guilty.

Williams watched and when I finally looked up I could see he had tears running down his cheeks. I watched him as he had watched me. The outpouring of emotion alien to us both in so many ways became another level of our bond. He didn't smash anything up, he didn't scream, he didn't even blame me, not once. He was shattered and through the cracks in his soul came the tears,  tears of regret from a man who knew what had really happened.


Thanks for reading.

Saturday, 10 November 2012

Nanowrimo Day Ten

Yesterday I got nothing done, so I feel behind even though I'm not. Odd huh?! Well, here comes something from the first batch today.

Hit my 20,000 target but I want to finish the day several thousand ahead again, so a seconf session and probably a new deadline to hit will be posted up soon.

I worked through every difficulty in my life through the mic from that moment on, marriage falling apart? I went to work. Dude stabbed me in the leg? I went to work. Arsehole Killed my kid? I went to work. I went to work and it sometimes feels like I didn’t leave work at all for years. I may have left the building physically but I would patch to my computer from home and devour more stats, learn more about someone’s fighting style, study their training regime, check the match buys, try to visualise the coming conflict and just what I was going to say. The game was my life.


Thanks for reading.

Thursday, 8 November 2012

Nanowrimo Day Eight

Your paragraph for the day. Enjoy.



I looked around having finally run out of steam. The room was quiet. Johnson was doodling on his e-pad, Williams passed him his own pad and they looked at each other. I wasn’t sure how they were placed in the room so I looked further and the office guys were looking non-committal. P.R were staring a hole through me and so I went further, looking for a fucking friend, any friend, my eyes met Judd’s as he sat back, smiled and drew his finger across his throat.  I was done. 


That's your lot. Now back to work.

Cheers for popping in and sticking with me. 

Wednesday, 7 November 2012

Nanowrimo Day Seven

Today we have a short one but then, that's me everyday really ;-)


I walked through the crowd, my friends patting me on the shoulders as I went, others giving me the evil fucking eye. I was too much in a daze to smile sweetly and tell them to swivel, but I did note those negative faces for future reference, so when I had a spare hour I’d be able to track them down, buy them a coffee and explain to them the great truth of this business; ‘You have to fight your way to the top.’


There you go. More tomorrow I'm sure.

Thanks for reading.

Monday, 5 November 2012

Music Monday: Petal's singing again

This week we have a selection of five songs that Petal sings while wandering round the house, sneaking around the library, while she sits under the table cutting up magazines for pictures for her scrap book
.
Sometimes we only get small sections of the song, sometimes we get the whole damn thing over and over and over again.

Enjoy.

THAT'S NOT MY NAME by The Ting Tings

She loves this album and to be honest so do I. This one didn't stop going round and round for months. Lovely at first...




WHOLE NEW WORLD From Aladdin

This she can sing all over. So can I. Its on two of her favourite c.d's and obviously we must all be silent while it's on. DADDY! NO TALKING! WHOLE NEW WORLD!






NEXT TO ME by Emeli Sande

Petal, bless her, only knows the chorus to this and so do all of us. Of yes, we know this one! Poor Petal was driving Sauruas up the wall with this and to be honest it was pretty funny. Gladly she has stopped now.





TO FRANCE by Mike Oldfield feat Maggie Reilly

I love Mike Oldfield and I happened to buy a 'best of' recently and played it and played it and played it. She loves this song! We sit, singing it badly together in the kitchen, me with my tea and she with her marshmallows. God I love those moments :-)





MAGGIE AND THE FEROCIOUS BEAST  (BOX SONG) By A Little person

This is the song, the song she sings pretty much all day and its from a cute cartoon called Maggie and the Ferocious Beast. Now I could give you a clip from the cartoon but instead I've found this incredibly cute video that isn't Petal but really really could be.

I hope the original person that posted this up doesn't mind me using it but I have to. Its perfect.

Sit back and enjoy.






Petal will grow up and change and maybe I'll be able to look back and remember a few of these songs and smile. Maybe she will too.

Love ya darlin.

More next week, as per usual if you have any suggestions then just comment and I'll see if I can whip up five songs to suit the subject.

Nanowrimo Day Five

Yep, two thousand words by 12 P.M and it's now lunch time so here's something from the morning.


The security guard was right behind him now and I wanted so badly for this guy’s head to explode, a bullet to slapped into the back of his skull, push through the brain and burst out of his eye socket that I could feel his blood splatter on my face already. I wanted him dead because of what he represented to me; the men that kidnapped and murdered my son, slashed my second ex wife’s face and made me into the three A.M shell sitting by this terminal, writing this fucking book. I wanted him dead because he wanted me dead and maybe if I got really lucky he’d squeeze off a shot that would land high and we’d both go together?!

‘Now...Mr Spencer...put the gun down.’ I said it slowly and clearly and he did just as I asked. He dropped the gun and his life was his own again.


More tomorrow if you're really unlucky.

Sunday, 4 November 2012

Nanowrimo Day Four

Day four's offering here. Selected pretty randomly. See below.


I met her in a bar a week after the event. I was in Texas preparing for the next event, I was in the hotel bar and I was drowning my sorrow to be honest. Life had kicked me in the balls so hard I felt that every bone in my body was shattered. Wife three was on her way out and had slammed my dick in the door as she went. Turned out she’d fucked Rik Tenor about a hundred times while I was away dealing with the kidnap shit and the funerals. 


There you go. More tomorrow I hope.

(Yes I know this means fuck all to you as these are only random selections but I'm finding it a good motivator so ta for still checking in)

Silent Sunday: Nanowrimo Fuel


Saturday, 3 November 2012

Nanowrimo Day Three.

Here it is, a small one for no real reason other than it just leapt out at me.

My favourite story from that time was when we cruised into London for the traditional ‘Thames Thunder’ event. The underwater arena is one of my all time favourite arenas, what with the added danger of the flood rooms and external locks. It’s just a great place for a smart fighter to make their mark. 

More tomorrow if you're unlucky and I'm still sane. 

Ta for reading.

Friday, 2 November 2012

Nanorwrimo: Day two

Day two and here's some of today's offerings. Yes, well aware of its flawed nature and that it needs cleaning.

A snippet of the day is enough before I get back on with it though.


Dempsy was one of the greats and I should've gone a different way with my calls. Santoro forgiving me was perhaps more than I ever deserved when it was him I had blamed Dempsey’s death on. It was a shitty thing to do and I know there were so many people that could have stepped in before that night. I should have been one of them but I got caught up in the glory of the event and so just trusted in his prowess and grit. We all knew he was a fucking mess but we let him go out there with a bunch of rookies and get devoured before our very eyes.  It wasn’t a ‘Columbian Circus’ event but it came close.


There ya go. Job done.

Thursday, 1 November 2012

Nanowrimo day one.

I have decided, on the spot, that everyday I'll slap a paragraph from what I'm writing here. Unedited and naked.

Try not to point and laugh but instead think; 'wow, that's going to be 'not awful' when he's finished polishing it for the twentieth time.'

Something like that anyway...Brave or stupid? I don't know but I'm doing it anyway.



'Sitting in the corner was the head of Vid development; Victor 
Snitsky. He was a guy who loved details. You would give him the perfect idea, I mean perfect, ‘nothing can better this’ you’d think and then Bam, he’d say one sentence and you’d know it was now better, or he’d ask one question and it would all fall apart. But this guy Vic? He was a giver! He’d try and make your idea work even if it was dead on the first question and he’d never make you feel stupid, Just unprepared.'

There you go. Tell me to stop if it gets to bad. Until you moan I'm gonna keep doing it.
See you tomorrow.

Wednesday, 31 October 2012

The Day Before I Go...

I have planned a month long holiday! That's right, for a whole month I will be going somewhere else. Will I be taking the kids and my beloved wife? No. Will I be leaving soon? No, I'm not going anywhere. This isn't a trip to the far east, a safari in Africa or a road trip across North America. Nope. I'm going far further than that.

I'm heading into a book.

I've booked tickets and packed my bags, damn, I've had my jabs and I've even let a few friends know where I'm going. You know, to make sure they know where to look if it it all goes wrong...and even though I'm looking at a trip into unknown territory I still have a map! How fucked up is that?!

Let me say before I go though, this is no normal map. There are no roads marked, no beaches, no mountains, no streams and no rules. I can spend what I like, travel where I want, but still, even if the mountains look divine and the waterfalls breathtaking, if it's not in the plan or against the rules then I'm going to have to keep on driving past and remember to come back again another year. Did I say there were no rules? Yeah there aren't...and yet there are. Trouble is the only person who knows the rules is me, but I haven't told myself what they are yet. I get an envelope each day and that will open with haste and find perhaps what before me is difficult, beautiful, taxing, upsetting...I just wont know. Fucked up eh? Yeah.

For this month I'm going to have to do all the things I normally do and yet I will almost certainly be elsewhere while I'm doing them. I'll nod and engage in conversation and be right in front of whoever it is I should be giving my undivided to and yet somewhere in the back of my head I'll be swinging through a whole different life. Someone else's story that just happens to be sitting in my head.

I hope no-one disowns me or thinks I'm being rude. I hope they simply know where I am and nod and say 'Ok, fine, when you getting back?'

Here's the plan as I see it. Ready? Cool.

I'm heading into the Nanowrimo for the month of November and I'll be hitting it hard. 50,000 words in 31 days. My fool hardy aim is to strike 20,000 of those in the first ten days. I aim to sleep less, write more and be as present as I can be while trying to not disengage from what I'm writing.

I will be on twitter. I aim to be here on the blog with updates and perhaps the cheeky post if I can squeeze it in. Stick with me please and I hope that in less than a month I will have something...something that needs loving and time and cuddles and understanding. Something that I'll be trying to craft into a novel that's better than last years (hey, I liked last years).

Wish me luck? Thank you. I'm going to need it.


Monday, 29 October 2012

Music Monday: Gamer

Its music Monday and I'm looking at giving you five tracks I have a great love for. This week I'll be opening the door very slightly and playing what I've played for my gaming groups and perhaps surprising you slightly...I hope.

As a role player and G.M (games master) I have a love for music that lends itself to high drama. I watch films and genuinely keep a clear ear on the soundtrack in the hope of finding something that I can buy to create mood and fill the session we play with a mood that allows the players to better play their characters.

Don't worry, tonight is not a instrumental movie night. Nope. For me, the really big moments are met with silence or sometimes a very carefully selected song. Something I connect an emotion with and try to channel that feeling into the room to create genuine drama and get real reactions from the guys and gals around the table.

Sometimes it really doesn't work. Here are five times that it did.

SAVE ME by Aimee Mann

The game was set in a future apocalyptic wasteland. Lots of vegetation and life by humanity was on the brink. I had a large group of players backed up by an expansive cast of support characters. A set of twins were separated and one was believed dead. The remaining character fought with depression and the players were very careful to keep a good eye on her.

I had the character commit suicide.

It was sad and we played the funeral. Genuinely sad feeling and something I'll strive for every single time; none combat based drama. The song made the scene.





ITS NOT DARK YET By Bob Dylan

Bob Dylan does it for me. I just love his music. So when I went looking for something for the end of a heavy session it was to him I went.

Same group, same characters and a similar feel, but on a much larger scale. The end of a large set piece battle, a battle which saw us wave goodbye to half the cast of the game itself. I cut away at least three support characters and it was clear to all that at least three players were dead.

It was a battle they narrowly won and certainly even more narrowly survived. When the dust had settled we said good bye to those characters to this song. It was a very strong moment to my mind. I hope the players look back and remember it as keenly as I do.

Magic.





THE FIRST TIME I EVER SAW YOUR FACE By Roberta Flack

I tasked my small team to start the session off each week. Give them the reins so to speak. Each player would have to give us the opening scene setter. It was on a subject that we'd agreed and they brought their own music.

Easy.

Not so easy when you're reading out something you've written, in character, in front of the team. Sometimes they weren't always in the mood, a danger that faces the G.M every week.

This particular week @mamacrow took a complicated relationship with a support character and produced some magic. The song started and she totally nailed it.

Amazing.

(by the way the song is fucking amazing too!)





SHUT UP AND LET ME GO By The Ting Tings.

The team have been captured. Two comedic super villains are monologuing, cutting into each others verbal 'gloat time', insisting they have equal amounts of rubbing the players noses in and arguing like a stereotypically grumpy old couple.

As they moan and bicker for several minutes the guys are laughing  (as was the point) and this comes on. Lots more laughs. A well pitched comedic turn augmented with the right song at the right time.




To finish we have the next song I'm going to use. I'm always trying to bring the game to the players in a fresh way. I've written a weekly paper (too much work), I currently record all of the game in two blogs (an in-game one with news articles to support the sessions and an out of game one to give them updates, let them know who's playing, when, where and I also to keep a record they can check of what happened in every session so they can follow plot strands and be better prepared for the actual sessions).

This year though I've worked with one of the players and produced trailers for the characters and upcoming events. It's taken hours of getting used to the tech but we have a pretty good understanding of what needs to happen, when and where and we put it together so the players can get an extra kick out of playing and maybe when its all done they can look back over the c.ds we give them.

A permanent record of the story and a reminder of how much fun we had.

Here it is. I'm looking forward to working with this one.


That's it. Normally I wouldn't talk about the role-playing I'm involved in. I tend to predict sniggering people that point and think it means we aren't cool, I can live with that, but we aren't freaks.

I think we challenge ourselves to have fun by telling stories and maybe that's a more traditional, instinctive thing to do for our species than sit and watch t.v, the same sort of thing but without the interaction part.

See you next week folks. Something super different then I think.

Thanks for reading and listening.

Monday, 22 October 2012

Music Monday: Hated

This week on Music Monday we look for four tracks that make me reach for a hammer. I hate these songs for various reasons. If you love them, that really is great for you, but for me? No. They are huge no no's.

THINGS CAN ONLY GET BETTER By D-Ream

I hate this song. I hate it, hate it, hate it! Why? Well it was a song someone I used to date loved and I've never broken up with someone nicely. Its always been bitter and unpleasant but that's not the old reason I hate it.

When I hear this I can only think of Tony Blair. Blair and his time at the top. If it comes on the radio goes off. If someone were to put it on? I'm out the room.

Hate it.






AIN'T GOT NO, I GOT SOUL By Nina Simone

Yes, I know, it's a bouncy, feel good anthem for those that love life and I never said this was going to be fair...but this pisses me right off!

Why?

I can take your arms, I can take your legs, I can take your senses, soul, bus pass, freedom and smile. Someone could! There are people out there, evil bastards, lining up to take all that you have and the tragedy is they certainly can take all that away from you and more.

I know that's not in keeping with the spirit of the song but fuck it. My brain hears this and says 'Yes I can.'





COTTON EYE JOE By The Rednecks

Do you even need to ask?! It's...it's...it's fucking annoying!!! ARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!





BLACKHEART By Stooshe

Why do I hate this song? Well, I suppose it's the casual acceptance of domestic violence and forgiveness of such actions. Am I too uptight? Do I have no sense of humour on this matter? Maybe.

To be honest I'm good with not having a sense of humour about it. This is a song I could happily cast into the abyss. I'd ban it if I had the power.





Finally I want to show we can all be together. If you love this list of songs above that's cool with me. I don't. So come on, lets get down to one I do love and forget all the hate above...though if you hate the one below I'm not sure this town is big enough for the both of us.





And as Bobby soothes you away we say goodbye. Next week will be a happy, friendly, music love in again.

Thanks for popping in.

Friday, 19 October 2012

We Changed

So, lets get one thing straight; I don't go out a lot. Its not that I'm Agra phobic or anti social and I'm not talking about down the park. I'm talking down the pub.

I used to drink a regular amount, sometimes more than the regular amount maybe, but I was never an angry or regularly annoying drunk. No. I quit because I was happier when sobber, I came to hate the loss of control and lets face facts, I used to drink because I was shy around new people and I hated it.

Now I no longer need the crutch and you know that's great for me. Other people can drink and I'm cool with that too. You don't need the 'crutch' its just you like getting pissed. I get it. Its cool.

So there I went, heading to Brighton by way of car, zipping towards a night promising great music and laughter. Perhaps it wasn't always going to go that way for me but oh well. Screw it I went anyway. What could I do? It was my little brothers birthday.

We hit the bar (his local), a small corner pub built on its reputation for live music and to be honest you'd be hard pressed to swing a cat in the joint, and yet, it is a very friendly place. Picking up the first coke of the night the band were warming up and doing their sound checks in the corner and they were amazing, I've seen them before and they're top draw. The Mountain Firework Company. I've raved enough about them on twitter.

The band left to get a bite to eat and we checked out the reserved tables for us, yep, it was his birthday and so he had a whole corner of this local music Mecca all sewed up. Pretty neat huh? Well the many faces arrived and all started swinging and bang, in walks 'Sorry.'

If you read this blog regularly then maybe you recall the post? Well in she comes, looking healthy and its big smiles and to be honest, it was a bit weird. No, not romantically dangerous (obviously not) just weird. See, we were close and then not for many, many years and then she's right there and well, it was weird.

Moving on. I hit the back wall and got a seat and as people got hammered around me I waited for the gig to start. Now I am not an anti social person, but I wasn't drunk either and it became fairly clear I was a fifth wheel, perched against the wall, out of the action. I considered this as I sat not really mingling, waiting for the gig to start still and thought 'Why am I here?'

Simple answer, to show my face at my bro's birthday bash, bit more complicated answer? To hear the music, a band I love... and to show my face at my brother's bash. ;-) So was I that bothered if perhaps I wasn't the light and soul? Not really.

The gig started and the first act was just awesome! Brilliant! Small bar, big blue grass sound, magic. The intermission hit and the bar emptied and out they all piled to have a fag and a laugh and I joined them. All good. Still sorry and me are well and truly avoiding each other.

Second half the crowd got animated and led by my bro there was much dancing and falling about, which kind of killed the atmosphere of the small room band thing, but there ya go. It was his shin dig, the band was booked for him, go for it dude!

Come the end of the night we congratulated the super awesome band, mingled a bit and decided to head out fairly quickly. Driver (a great chap) went and got the car, I bumped into Sorry and we chatted for a brief time and it was time to go.

Now it was good to see her healthy and that in itself is something wonderful but it was clear I'd changed a fair deal and she was perhaps like her old self only with the volume turned up. We just didn't seem to be compatible any more.

That's not a sad thing you know. It's not. It's true that in life people change. Some folks say that people don't, but I think they do. Life changes you. Under your skin you learn and you become more comfortable, if you're lucky, and maybe sometimes it works the opposite way and you become more guarded because you've been kicked in the nuts too many times. But people do change.

So I had a good time. My Bro had a good time. Sorry had a good time.

Perhaps though this week has been spent reflecting on what 'those days' were like and whether I miss them? The clear answer is that I wouldn't go back and change them, but I'm glad they are gone.

I like 'me' a lot more nowadays.   

Monday, 15 October 2012

Music Monday : History Ditties

Its Music Monday time and here we have five offerings that have a link to historical information or tell us a true story. Hopefully the link will work all the way through but we'll see how it goes.

Ready?

Lets begin.


OLIVER CROMWELL By Monty Python

This is a John Cleese special and its fabulously interesting as well as being brilliantly comedic. We got dates, events and bags of laughter. Enjoy.




THE HURRICANE By Bob Dylan

The story of Ruben Carter is well documented, certainly its very famous and its here for you in full on protest song mode. Carter was a middleweight boxer charged with a triple murder he didn't commit.

I'm happy to report he got out finally. I'm sorry to say it took some twenty odd years after he was found guilty. Its a harsh story and an amazing song...if you like Dylan.

P.S I love Bob Dylan's stuff. Just awesome!




SAILING TO PHILADELPHIA By Mark Knofler

I love this song, its gentle, calm and thoroughly relaxing and yet embodies the spirit of adventure that the song recounts. Knofler is a real master and this  is a great song, hell, its a great album.

Go buy it.





32 DOWN ON THE ROBERT MCKENSIE By Paul Gross

Paul Gross is the dude from Due South. Yup. Benton Fraser the Mountie. He also writes, directs and sings. Bastard.

Anyway, here's a song that is based on another song, that is based on a nautical accident that claimed the lives of the entire crew of a ship. Gross was going to use the original song for an Episode of Due South but thought it may upset the families of those that were lost...so he wrote this.

I hope I got that right otherwise I'm going to look like a right dumbass.




Final one comes from Horrible Histories this week and its probably my favourite. The kids love the show and so do we. This is something I sing around the house, to be honest they all are, but this one gets belted out with a bit of gusto!




Thanks for reading/listening and hope you drop back in next week for another five pics.

Be excellent to each other.

Monday, 8 October 2012

Something Fun

I've run and played Role playing games for over twenty five years and I can feel the time I have to take part in them slipping away. With that bared in mind I approached the current game I'm running with a serious aim to impress and use everything we had to make it great.

Here is a use of technology and the internet to make your players feel special. We have cut several trailers for them now in this year but this is the main group trailer utilising vids from games and movies to try and give a feel for those characters. Its Marvel and its tough to find stuff that fits the way you want it to.

I think we did a good job.

Here is the main trailer, put together by myself and the tech guy on the team who put a lot of hours into making it look cool and grabbing some extra clips. Ta dude. Ya Awesome.
 

Music Monday : Alternative Madness

There are all different types of music for all different types of moods. Its true that it really is horses for courses and tonight's race is for some of the acts that I've heard and thought 'wow, that guy is nuts/brave/lucky to walk out of here alive'. Sadly I've not seen any of them live but I'd love too.

(Beware, this week may contain swearing and strong humour)

First up and its a man who loves controversy.


STRANGERS ON MY FLIGHT by Frank Sinazi

This guy is a Sinatra impersonator who rocks up as Adolf Hitler. Yeah. You read that right. Now before you scream 'Nazi!' at me just chill. I find Nazi's funny because if I didn't laugh, then I would be throwing cups and shouting about them. I laugh them off because its the way I live with the strength of my reaction towards them and their existence in general. I laugh at this guy because I think his dark comedic blend of Hitler and Sinatra is just right.

It works for me but I'm going to put up one of the lighter ones so that he doesn't hit you with the full force of his act, which to be honest is pretty strong.

Enjoy if possible, I think he's brilliant but I still can't work out how he came to the point where he decided this act was a 'good idea.'





GET DOWN WITH THE SICKNESS by Richard Cheese

A lounge singer that covers rock classics with his tongue rammed so far into his cheek that its bursting out of his flesh spraying the front row with blood. Cheese covers are inspired for the most part but again the humour is very strong. His cover of Nirvana's 'Rape Me' isn't going to win him friends but it is to here that we come...to get down with the sickness.

This is brilliant, every single damn second of it. Horrible and cheerful and brilliant.




THE MEDICAL LOVE SONG by Monty Python

There are many songs of note by the genius group of comedians  known as Monty Pythons Flying Circus, but if I have to pick one that makes me smile without ever letting me down it is the Medical love song.

Its clever, suprising, disgusting, laugh out loud funny and I love every damn second of it. From the very first line you know you are listening to 'the anti boyband' and you will never be the same again.




AMERICAN JEDI by Weird Al Yankovic

This has been heard by everyone, fucking everyone, but lets just say you have been living under the worlds biggest rock. I haven't the words to describe it other than Episode one meets Don McClaine.

Enjoy.





Its the great and terrible monster to finish it this week. I warn you...if you listen you will have it in you're ear for months.

Sorry.





This week I needed cheering up. Not sure its worked but if its done the trick for you then I'm a happy boy.

Feel the need to have a theme suggestion then just comment.

See you next monday.

Christmas Hat: A different way to play

Christmas is a busy time in our house and it could easily spiral into being financially crippling, but we decided last year to make the change. A change that worked out very well indeed.

Instead of each person buying everyone a present we decided to cut the amount of presents down by getting the kids to draw a name out of a suitably festive hat and they would only buy a present for that person. Simple right? Yeah, can't believe we didn't do it before to be honest.

Now this meant we were keeping the cost down, yes, but it also meant that they could spend slightly more on the person they were sorting to get a gift that they really wanted and this really opened things up. People were thinking of Boxsets for their older brothers (realistically only an upgrade in price of about five or ten pounds but a really difference maker), hats, boots and fluffy cats that walked for the girls. Personalised Lego kits! It was quite exciting.

I jump forward to Christmas morning after months of sneaking, hanging out on Amazon, wrapping presents, printing personal wrapping paper on the kitchen table and finding the perfect gifts. Each person knew they were getting at least two gifts and you'd think that would be a downer but instead there was excitement. Everyone had put real thought in and so were all excited to be GIVING the gifts more than getting.

With the presents being of a better, less random quality and slightly more expensive they were certainly more pleasing and with gifts from mum and dad out of the way the magic happened. With fewer things they actually played with everything they they got rather than leaving a heap of sad looking cool toys in the corner.

It was a move that paid of really well. We had a fabulous Christmas with gifts that were really appreciated. Its the way we are going this year too.

Names were drawn from the hat the other day and plans are already forming. I simply can't wait.

Sunday, 7 October 2012

Pissed Off

I have found myself in an awkward situation and one that seems more difficult to shift than normal. I am officially in a mood, a downer, a negative place that chokes my usual free thought and chipper personality.

It's annoying. I figured I try to get this out and perhaps maybe, just maybe, it would make a difference within the principality of Edd. Ready? Here goes...

I'm pissed off that Sauraus is putting very little effort into his studies, making me feel like a failure as a parent which has the knock on effect of making me regret my own unfocused teens which I still feel impacts heavily on my inability to get a job. I also see that this drives me crazy and fear for his future brings me to a place of panic. Stupid. He isn't me. He does need to work but just because I was, and in many ways, still am a failure when it comes to employment it does not mean he will fall on the same sword.

I'm pissed off that someone unfollowed me. Someone I like and though I had reason to perhaps sever a link earlier I didn't because I considered them a friend. It may be that Twitter automatically unfollowed that tweep for me and so they did like wise and perhaps one tiny, tweet would bring that person back onto my list. But in the mood I'm in I just want to walk away and curse, so I have. Stupid.

I'm pissed off because I have lots to do. I have recreational writing and I have writing that will possibly open doors for me and I even have writing work that promises to PAY... and that should turn me into a dancing fool but instead I find myself feeling unworthy. I look at what I have typed and I delete. Delete because its not good enough. Delete because I'm not feeling it. Delete because it's got some errors that need work and I just want it to be perfect and I know its not and it never will be. Stupid.

I'm pissed off that it's coming up to another Christmas and I'm still an unemployed Muppet who's going to have to scrape around for present money. No, I don't want a fucking hand out. Yes, I would like a fucking job. Sadly the job I want is a writing job...but if you read above you can see how seriously stupid I am.

I'm pissed off that I hate Facebook and I have found myself falling less and less in love with Twitter. I see constant statements of hate all due to how someone voted, madness consuming whole groups of people turning them into pitchfork wielding nutters, intent on burning x amount of the population for having x view about x thing or x event. Where are the level views? Where's the idea of cutting someone a brake? Why the fuck don't I just 'man up' and cut some faces and feel the rage subside? I don't want to. I like these people. So WHY AM I FINDING IT SO ANNOYING?! Stupid.

I'm pissed off that I'm not watching the shows I want to watch, when I want to watch them and yet I'm the one not watching them! I'm annoyed that I can't find myself getting excited about Role Playing on a Tuesday night...and I run the damn thing! I'm Pissed off that me being pissed off seems to be a semi permanent state that does die down.

Looking at my life and I can't understand this idiotic funk. I have a wonderful wife, great, vibrant, mad kids, another child on the way that we will shower with love and a roof over my head. I'm about to have some work included in an on line magazine and it looks great and I've knocked up some really exciting support media. I've got some work that will pay me a damn check for words typed and I feel I'm close to the end of the final edit on last years novel. I even have everything lined up for the next one and a desire to write it.

I don't get it and the thing is I don't think anyone saying anything is going to make it better.

Am I overtired like perhaps a four year old is after a long day in the park? Am I just a fucking ingrate?!

I'm pissed off and I know why...and yet I also don't have a clue as to what's under my skin.

Maybe the sad truth is that I am just not hard working, committed or intelligent enough to do what I'd love to do and in coming to realise this I have found a black hole that is beginning to suck me in?

I have a busy week ahead of writing and socialising and that is what I will do. I'm going to try and get out of this but if I don't I may have to take a serious look at taking a serious brake from Twitter and this blog that I do really enjoy writing.

I'll see what the week brings...

Thanks for reading.